Let’s Talk About Addictions: Alcohol

Let’s Talk About Addictions: Alcohol

Let's Talk About Addictions: Alcohol

We all know the dangers of addiction, whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, or something else. It can cause damage to the person, their relationships, and their lives if not kept in check or taken care of. I have my own story with addiction. This is my story of addiction to alcohol.

 

The worst addiction I had was alcohol

It wasn’t the stereotypical relationship with booze either. A lot of people who didn’t know me well enough didn’t see the problems it was causing so, of course I didn’t seem like an alcoholic to them.

I used to binge drink all the time in college, but let’s be honest. Who hasn’t? There’s a reason the stereotype of most college students is to party on the weekends, because it can be so incredibly true. I built up a high tolerance to alcohol, but would also push myself to the limit by mixing my anti-depressant drugs with it, not eating a lot before hand to get drunk quicker, and almost always reaching a level of being blacked out and not remembering most of my night.

But once I graduated and left college, I also left that life behind. I couldn’t really drink alone, the thought made me uncomfortable. So, that was just me being a college student, right?

I wasn’t a daily drinker. There were days I would open a beer at home to relax and only get a few sips in before just leaving it alone. I could go months without drinking in general. I only really drank at bars, and I only went to bars when my friends’s band had gigs. 

 

Let's Talk About Addictions: Alcohol

 

So by the sounds of it I wasn’t much of an alcoholic, huh?

But drinking was slowly ruining my life. It was causing a rift in some relationships, it wasn’t healthy, and ultimately lead to a traumatic event on July 4th four years ago. (I’m not exactly ready to disclose the event, but it is what I consider my rock bottom and the reason I stopped drinking)

I had too many times I had to stay at the bar until closing because I had drank too much, some even being still not appropriate to drive. I’m not proud of that in the slightest.

Related: How to Drink Responsibly: From an Alcoholic

 

So why do I consider that to be an addiction?

Well, for starters, once I start drinking it’s very, very hard to stop. I think a lot of the reasoning behind that was due to anxiety. Because I have been diagnosed with anxiety and have to deal with all the different thoughts zooming in and out of my head, I noticed that after a few drinks I wouldn’t be so afraid to do things or say things. Not bad things, but just that initial feeling of nervousness and anxiousness you can get if you want to put yourself out there.

Not having that invisible barrier preventing me from doing something as simple as having a conversation without being afraid to say the wrong thing was almost liberating. I became addicted to the “freedom” that being drunk brought to my anxiety. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if genetics played a part in this as well. Alcoholism does run in my father’s side of the family and I was relatively young when I realized I have an addictive personality.

After consulting a lot of online resources and forums, the main point I got was that if you think your drinking is causing problems with your life, then it is. No matter what anyone else tells you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t check off all the boxes they assume an alcoholic to be, because they’re not living your life. There were multiple times when I noted that drinking wasn’t good for me, but I didn’t really want to stop. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they realize and admit how harmful something is. I was one of those people.

Related: How to Recover From You Weekend Bender

 

So where am I now?

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I just recently celebrated my fourth year of sobriety. There are still some hard moments when I crave the feeling of being drunk again. Usually during stressful times in my life or when I don’t want to face something. But eventually that craving will go away. 

It was hard to get here. It definitely wasn’t pretty. But I’m here.

 

If anyone is going through something similar and wants to chat about things, hit me up on Instagram: lmss_blog 

 

XO

This Post Has 17 Comments

  1. Michelle Kelly

    Thank you for your telling your story with alcohol. Congratulations on four years of sobriety. Something to be very proud about doing!!!! You make an excellent point in regards to checking off the boxes to be an alcoholic or not. An addiction is an addiction regardless of how it affects us. People being individuals it is going to affect them in different ways. The only person that can say for sure is the person themselves and no one else.

    1. Thank you! One day I might tell the story of what happened to cause all that, but I’m not ready. Not just yet. Hopefully one day I will be.

      1. Michelle Kelly

        I think one day you will be ready to tell it. I felt the same way about my own story. It is really hard to talk about those things in our life. But when you are ready to tell it then we will be here to listen and be non-judgmental about it. As we all have a similar story to tell and can relate. 🙂

        1. It’s been over 4 years and it’s still hard to talk about this openly. Especially since I blamed myself for 3 years until someone else who had been with me the night of my rock bottom told me that she had a gut feeling but ignored it.

      2. Michelle Kelly

        That would make it hard to talk about it openly. Something I do myself is blame myself. Must of been good to hear from that someone else that they had a gut feeling and ignored it that night.

        1. Especially since she had a situation that led us to believe drugs may have been involved that night.

      3. Michelle Kelly

        Knowing drugs might be involved helps put things in a better perspective.

        1. Still makes me feel at fault, you know? If I didn’t have to drink everything in sight it wouldn’t have happened. But I also wouldn’t have met my current… non-boyfriend (it’s a complicated mess) without going through the trauma. So I guess it worked out in the end.

      4. Michelle Kelly

        Please forgive me if I want I am about to say is wrong. I am assuming things here. But I thought I should say it for your consideration.

        I understand you thinking it is your fault. It is easy to think that if you where not drinking everything in sight, it wouldn’t have happen. Is that really true? Could it be the case that even if you where slightly drunk or sober the same thing might have happen? I think that very well could be the case. If that is true, then are you are not at fault for what happen. The only person that deserves fault is the person that did the trauma to you.

        That is awesome that you meet your current non-boyfriend through the trauma. But I think there is something else that good that came out of out in the end. That is you wouldn’t be who you are now. With a place of your own, a good job and four years of sobriety. I don’t if that would happen if continue drinking everything in sight.

        You have shown great courage and strength recovering from that trauma, dealing with your addiction and moving ahead in your life. Those are things you should focus on now.

        People that understand are not going to judge you harshly for being drunk when that trauma happen to you. They understand that being drunk had no role in it. Now you just have to believe it and quit laying fault with yourself.

        1. Unfortunately if I was sober enough to understand what was going on, I wouldn’t have let a lot of things happen. I was taken advantage of, plain and simple. Potentially a consolation prize for not being able to get who he actually wanted. And from all the things I was told I was doing, none of if were things I would have done at all. Hence the potential drugging involved.

      5. Michelle Kelly

        If you had been sober, you would never did the things you did while drunk. Could it have been the case that the person would have drugged you anyway to get you to do things anyway?

        Regardless of the what ifs, the thing is you where drunk and did things that you would never do sober . But we all make mistakes in life, after all we are only human. Sometimes those mistakes cause terrible things to happen. There is no shame or blame in that. The question is do we learn and make better choices in the future?

        In your case you did. You made the choice to overcome your addiction and not allow alcohol to put in you that position of doing things you would never do ever again. That is what matters the most in our lives is learning from our mistakes and becoming better people in the process. Yes accept that there may or may not be some blame on you for what happen that night. But let that be overshadow by the fact that you did what you needed to do prevent that from becoming a factor ever again. That you took a terrible and horrible night made it something better.

        Just like I could blame myself for letting my addiction get to the point that it became my whole life even choosing it over loved ones. But I realized that and made the choice to retake my life from the addiction. That is what I dwell on now, not the mistakes I made being addicted.

        So in the end, how much blame you want to assign to yourself is up to you. But look beyond that terrible night to the positives you made out of it. How you might have made a bad choice that night, but that you made a better one after that to recovery. How you made choices to stay sober despite the pain it caused you to do that so that your life could be better. That is what really matter more than anything is what we do after the fact than what happen or who is to blame for what did happen.

        1. Thanks, really. It means a lot. On days where things get bad I fall back into that mindset of “it’s my fault”. Especially since when I reached out online to see if anyone could help me piece together what just happened, it turned into a kerfuffle of people blaming me.

          If I hadn’t been drinking, it would have been someone else. I shared drinks that night.

          1. Michelle Kelly

            Your welcome. That I can relate with the bad days falling back to that mindset. You where looking for answers and clarity and all you get was blame. That would be really hard 🙁 One thing people are good at is blaming other people.

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