I did a post about Life Crises a while ago (5 Existential Crises You’ll Go Through Before You’re 30) and now that I’m 30, I’m having an “Holy Crap! I’m 30 and my life is pretty shit!” existential Crisis.
I knew this was coming and it just so happens that life hasn’t been the best for me and hasn’t gotten much better since.
So now I’m getting hit with all these feelings and emotions about being so far behind in where I’d at least like to be. So what does this millennial’s existential crisis look like? You’ll have to continue reading to find out.
If you like this post or know someone who might like this post, please give it a share! Shares, comments, and likes are what keep this blog running! Thank you! <3
Feelings of Failure
This is the biggest issue I’m having right now. I turned thirty in September and I thought I’d have more of my life put together by now.
I’m living in an apartment with PhD students because I can’t afford my own place. My salary is pretty low and is the main cause of a lot of problems in my life right now, since money kind of rules most things. My depression has skyrocketed since February when my bad luck started (see Life Update: August 2019 and Life Update: 2019 Hates Me for more on that) and it hasn’t gotten any better. I’m gaining weight because I can barely get myself out of bed, never mind going to the gym or making sure I’m actually eating properly.
Feelings of Guilt
On top of all the chaos that is my life, I have had to set boundaries with a close family member in recent times (check out How to Know When it’s Time To Set Boundaries if you need some help in that area). It’s been really tough to deal with because when you set boundaries with someone who continually crosses them, they usually see you as the person in the wrong, not their own actions (which I conveniently wrote out in a three paged, bullet pointed letter).
Usually when you’re setting boundaries it’s with people who you care about to some degree. Having them turn things around and blame you, or call you names because you’re trying to keep your mental health and sanity at an acceptable level can leave you feeling incredibly guilty. Double that if they start guilt tripping to get their way.
Feelings of Stagnation/ Being Stuck
This one is also a huge issue I’ve been having and it ties in with the feelings of failure. I feel like a failure because I feel stuck in certain situations. I feel like I’m stuck in a job I don’t exactly dislike, but I could find an entry level position that pays more than I make now. So, there’s that.
I also have an itch to get out of where I’m currently living. New England is a great place, and I love it most of the time, but it’s stupidly expensive. I’m at a point where my income covers my bills and monthly expenses with little to no extra. This becomes an issue when I start thinking about bigger expenses like saving for a condo/house of my own, or the time when my car finally gives out on me.
Feelings of Inadequacy
Impostor syndrome is a real thing, and when your mental health is in the toilet, it gets much, much worse. There’s nothing quite like wanting to do something you love to do (for me it’s been blogging, duh!) but feeling like nothing you put out would be even worth while. It makes me feel like my words are horrible, that no one would want to read them, that any plans I have for the future are a terrible idea.
My own worst enemy is myself. That little voice inside my head grows and feeds off of moments like these so it’s not so little any more. And when you’re in that kind of mental state, you absolutely believe everything it says, making it that much harder to climb out of the hole you’re in.
Having a mental breakdown or existential crisis (sometimes they can be one in the same, or even build off each other) can lead to so many negative feelings including but not limited to:
- feelings of failure
- feelings of guilt
- feelings of stagnation or being stuck
- feelings of inadequacy
Thankfully, I recently saw both my therapist and psychiatrist and we agreed that adding a new medication to my mental health care was the best course of option. You can read my concerns about adding medications to my already crazy life here: Adding Medication to your Depression Care is NOT a Bad Thing
Have you ever had a breakdown or existential crisis like this? What are your thoughts on all of this?