COVID-19 is killing me.
It killed my job when I had to be let go due to not being “essential” enough to warrant staying on the payroll once shit hit the fan.
It killed my life when I was stuck inside all day and night to the point where I don’t know what to do.
It killed my sanity and mental health as my depression spirals into a new dark place I haven’t been in years because I can’t do anything.
It killed my motivation and desire to do anything.
COVID-19 is killing me.
COVID-19 Is Killing Me, But Not In The Way You Think
COVID-19 has been running rampant through the world since November of 2019. It’s been this constant dread in most people’s lives, causing so many problems like I mentioned above and even more.
I’m lucky enough to be able to receive unemployment benefits. It’s the only thing keeping me afloat. Scratch that, the extra $600 a month is what’s keeping me afloat. If not for that I wouldn’t be able to afford both my medical insurance and my apartment rent.
COVID-19 is killing me in so many different ways and I’ve just about had enough. I can’t take it anymore.
It Killed My Job
I thought I had my job at least more secure than it actually was. I was my supervisor’s right hand man, and now that she was part-time, there’s no way they would let me go and force her to take on all the responsibilities I had as well as hers, right?
I was so, so wrong.
I was let go back in April, when things were in full swing. I cried like a baby.
I had been with that company since 2014, the only job I had between the last time I was unemployed and now. I was there for 6 years, having just celebrated my 6th year in March of this year.
While the work load significantly dropped, and there were days I was struggling to find things to do, I didn’t think they would just let me go like that. After all I did for the company?
The company changed ownership in January, and I think that if that hadn’t been the case I would still have a job right now. I’d still be able to afford both my medical insurance (that I very much need. I have a lot of problems to take care of) and my rent.
And not only did COVID kill my job, it’s killing and job prospects as well.
Who wants to hire in the middle of a pandemic? That’s literally how I lost my job in the first place.
I worked in recruiting and no one was hiring with companies having to try and transfer over to remote work, trying to figure out how to continue to function while working in a pandemic that was ravishing the world.
Most of the jobs I apply to have been applied to by dozens of people, if not hundreds, by the time I find them. It’s going to be an employer’s market once we get out of this because everyone is going to be desperate for work.
Don’t get me started on the spammy and scammy job postings as well. They look fine and dandy but once you research them more you realize just how much of a scam they are. I’ve been through this before so I can usually sniff them out before I apply, but with bath applying a option and these companies getting better at writing job postings that sounds legit.
It’s Killing My Sanity and Mental Health
I feel this on a daily basis now. I’ve reached the point of unemployment where it’s no longer a nice relaxing break, but the soul-sucking hours between when you wake up and when you go back to sleep. Don’t get me started on the amount of times I’ve just gone to sleep in the middle of the day to progress time faster.
I have nothing to do. I’ve applied to just about every job I can find that fits my criteria and even some that don’t. One thing I’m refusing to negotiate on is salary. Maybe that’s hurting my prospects at a job, but I refuse to go back to making under $30k a year again. I fought hard to get past that in the last job I had. I could finally afford a gym membership. I refuse to go back to scrounging money for food and medical bills.
Speaking of medical bills, I can’t stop my allergy shots or else I have to start over from the beginning again. I’m still so allergic to things that even with the shots I need my prescription medication and even an over the counter drug every now and then when things get bad.
So, because of that I can’t see my therapist as much as I’d like. I see her once every two months and I don’t even like that, not now. I need someone to talk to more now than ever. I don’t have the support of family. I’ve been trying to set boundaries with family for almost a year now and it’s not getting through. I refuse to go back on that just because I want to talk to someone.
I spend a lot of my day just in bed or sleeping. I didn’t know I was capable of sleeping so much, but considering how tired I am now I feel like I could sleep for days and still not be rested.
It Killed My Motivation
With no job, no jobs to apply to, and nothing else to do, my motivation has tanked severely. In all honesty, I’m surprised I’m writing this post in the first place. I had been trying to think of posts to write for days and this one just came to me after reaching another point of “I’ve already taken a nap today, I don’t know what to do, and I don’t want to just sit in bed and cry”.
I’ve been trying to get back to the gym since I gained the quarantine 20, but I can’t even get myself to do that. I don’t really enjoy cardio as much as strength training, and needing the cardio to get myself back into some sort of shape is just killing my motivation to go back.
It doesn’t help that I had to go out and buy new clothes to go to the gym in because none of my old clothes actually fit anymore. Yes, I’ve gained enough weight during this stupid pandemic to not really fit into most of my clothes.
That also kills my motivation. I’ve never been this heavy. I’ve been trying to avoid it all my life as both of my parents are obese and I know what the consequences of being that heavy are. I can’t believe I let myself get to this point, but I need to remember I’m 5’1″ and just about any snacking can ruin my daily calorie intake.
But overall, COVID-19 is killing me by killing any motivation I’ve had to do anything. I feel trapped inside my apartment and I’ve become bored with my apartment.
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