I (think I) Still Love You After All This Time

I (think I) Still Love You After All This Time

I think I still love you after all this time.

 


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I fell in love with your personality first, your looks second. We met online, so that was a given.

You’re on your own journey right now, and it still kills me that I can’t be there for you, and by your side while you do this. But I understand this is something you need to do alone. Something you have to accomplish without the help of others. It still hurts, but I understand.

What kills me most is the intermitted responses. Every so often you actually respond to me and it gives me a sliver of hope that maybe you’ll want to start a conversation again. But it’s not. It’s just a one time response to whatever it is I sent this time.

I want to start over with you.

We went from 0 to 100 incredibly fast, at the wrong time, and from too far away.

I want this thing to go right. I want us to have something when we’re done. I want to introduce myself to you again, afresh, once you’ve found yourself. But I don’t know if that’s what you want and it scares the hell out of me.

I don’t want to lose you. You’re too perfect of a person for me to do that. I don’t want to let you go without giving things an actual try. You can’t be what I want right now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be in the future, right?

You’ve told me to go out and try to find someone else. I did. I tried. And it failed completely.

I’m probably the only person to have been friend-zoned on a dating app, so I think I’ll leave that be.

I did give it a genuine shot, though. Mostly the people I liked didn’t like me back, and the few who did just didn’t want conversation. The one person I did have conversation with decided I wasn’t quite relationship material a few weeks in. Would have been nice if he told me sooner.

 

 

I think I still love you after all this time. I really do.

I remember how things were in the beginning when you had a burst of energy and thought you were ready for something real. I remember how amazing all that time was. I want to nurture that, to keep hold of that, and grow with that.

I can’t seem to get you out of my head, no matter how hard I try. And believe me, I’ve tried. It’s been months since you started your journey and even before that we had some… issues…

I miss you. I miss you so damn much. I miss your voice, your smile, your company… I miss all of you and it hurts so bad at times when all I want is to hug you and tell you everything is going to be okay. I want to be able to be there for you when you need me, when you need anyone.

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This Post Has 8 Comments

  1. You sound like you’re really hung up on someone that’s just not that into you- I’m not sure if this is a piece of fiction or not. So if this is your reality I’d like to tell you not to take it personally. Some people just take longer to mature then others. Someone better is around the corner.

    1. shortstuffblog

      Thank you for your opinion. This is indeed my real life. They are into me, the timing is just wrong

  2. Alexis Farmer

    I’ve certainly been here before, it’s hard to let go for sure. And easy to remember the good times. You’ve got this though ❤️

    1. shortstuffblog

      Thank you. I’m hoping I can weather this to something positive.

  3. Michelle

    I had the same feeling for a long time. We dated after school, but things didn’t work out. Then we didn’t talk for a couple of years and I grew as a person and found my passions. Two years ago we found each other again, and we weren’t the same people that we were the first time around. We clicked and have sorted out our issues, and we’ve been together for about two years.

    I don’t think everyone will have the happy ending that I had, but if you work on yourself and your passions you win no matter what.

    Sending good vibes all the way from South Africa. Michelle (michellesclutterbox.com)

  4. Michael Kelly

    The problem with LTR’s is that it is hard to tell exactly what is going on at times. Especially in times like the one you are in now. Is his lack of communication mean that he doesn’t want to be with you or a sign of something else?

    I wonder if it is something else. Judging by what you wrote in the post and the book, I think your heart thinks it is something else also. That he might dealing with stuff from being abused. He might have suppressed a lot of what he felt about when it happen. When he starts working on it, then those suppressed feelings come out like a flood of poison. That can be hard to deal with, at least it was for me.

    During that time dealing with those suppressed feelings it can be hard to talk about them. For one the shame of what happen. The hate the person feels toward themselves for letting it happen and then not dealing with it. The last thing the person may feel like talking back is those feelings. So to make sure that happens, the person does give out one word answers and tries to avoid conversation.

    I don’t if that is the case for him, but I thought I would throw it out there. Also consider your heart seems committed to him. Your mind is frustrated with the lack of communication and the possibility that this might indicate its over between the two of you. It is a hard place to be in trying to decide what is the best course of action right now.

    Maybe the best course of action is to keep things going the way they are right now. Keep trying to communicate with him. Unless he comes out and says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you then take that as a positive sign even if it is a one word answer. From what I understand reading that dating seems to be going nowhere, so no harm in letting that go.

    Maybe at some point in the future, he will come back and things will be like they where but better. Better in that the relationship will be stronger on his end because he saw how you where willing to stick by him through the rough times. That it will be a big thing for someone who definitely will have trust issues.

    Then again you might wait around and nothing comes of it. He moves on and is with someone else. You feel like you wasted your time and energy on loving someone that was never going to love you again. Might even hate yourself for following your heart and feelings. But was it wasted time?

    Doing what you think is right is not wasting time or energy despite the results. Often times we don’t how what the results will be until they happen. The only thing we can go on is what we think is right at the time. If we do that then we can be happy regardless of the outcome.

    So I think you do you love him after all this time. Love him so much that waiting to see what happens in the future is a risk worth taking. So wait and see what happens but prepare yourself if nothing comes of it.

    Also better that you don’t try the dating apps or any kind of dating until you are ready to move on and no longer in love. The reason you may not be able to get anyone is that your sabotaging yourself. Proving to yourself that the only person is him.

    Also assuming that you did manage find someone, it wouldn’t be fair to that person. You are still in love with him, so you will be comparing the person to him and judging the person based on how close they are to him. The person should be judged on the merits of who they are as a person, not their likeness to someone else. People hate being the stand in for someone else and relationships based on that never work out.

    Anyway my thoughts here on what you wrote. I hope it works out for you. That you are with this very lovely person in the future. Or you are with someone else that you love just as deeply for who they are to you. All the best 🙂

    1. shortstuffblog

      There’s a reason I wrote a blog post about sabotaging your own relationships. Lol

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