When I was younger I definitely had the signs and symptoms of anorexia as a kid and teenager. It was the worst when I was a senior in high school. I was barely eating and it definitely had an affect on my mental and physical health.
I wrote a post about that not too long ago titled Battling an Eating Disorder: From Restricting to Binging that goes into more detail about the situation. But the point was that I had gotten to a point in my life where I was able to power through the hunger pains and eventually they just stopped happening altogether.
Once I hit college I started drinking. It got really bad really fast. I discovered really quickly it was easy for me to black out, especially once I was put on antidepressants and other mental health medications. You’re really not supposed to drink with them, but I did anyway. It was my way of being able to get drunk faster.
And don’t think my eating disorder went away because of this. I was forgoing eating dinner to make up for the calories I was going to be drinking and to get drunk faster since I was going to be drinking on an empty stomach.
After a traumatic event in 2014, I stopped drinking cold turkey.
It was one of the worst moments of my life. I was sitting in bed, dealing with the symptoms of a hang over, hugging a bucket to puke it, while crying because I wanted to drink away the pain that the drinking had ultimately lead to. But I knew something had to change.
I started going to AA meetings for the first year and they helped me tremendously. I was able to stay sober and still am to this day. I’m just shy of 6.5 years as of writing this.
But as I started getting sober I started developing a new addiction. Something that was new to me and something I didn’t know how to really keep under control.
I started snacking as a way to start eating more food. Remember, I was barely eating at one point in my life. I mean, and apple and some cottage cheese used to be lunch for me and some days I wouldn’t even have dinner.
So snacking was my way of keeping myself fueled and ready to go. However, snacking turned to mindless eating, then boredom eating, then…
Now I’m at a point where food is such a huge part of my life. I eat when I’m emotional, where before I used to have to force myself to eat just something when I was emotional. I eat when I’m bored, I eat after I eat. It’s starting to get really, really bad.
I’ve gained just about 35 pounds during the pandemic. That might not seem like a lot to some people, but I’m only 5’1.75″. I’m not even 5’2″ and I feel like each day I step on the scale I get closer and closer to 200lbs. And that is something I definitely don’t want.
Having to buy new clothes during the pandemic/quarantine was sort of a wake up call, but it wasn’t that rock bottom moment I needed to wake myself up. Sure, I cried myself to sleep because I couldn’t do anything but eat my pain away, but it wasn’t that kick I needed to get my going.
Thanksgiving is what really started things going downhill for me. I bought far more pies than I should have for one person, and ate them all in 3 days. I had 3 pies in 3 days.
I couldn’t have even thought of doing that years ago, and here I am wanting more pie, regardless of how bad it is for me.
It wasn’t until I stepped on the scale to realize I had to gained 5lbs in those 3 days of pie eating that caused me to realize I couldn’t wait until I hit my “rock bottom” like with my drinking.
I didn’t need another traumatic event to be the reason for change. I had to do it myself.
I crawled into bed and cried while I bought overeating self help books on amazon.
I knew I had to do something or I was going to just keep gaining more and more weight while crying about it the whole time.
So right now I’ve eaten all of the snacks in my house, and all I have left are meals. I have plans to start cleaning up my act. One of the things I know I can’t do is buy any kind of snacks. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have snacks again, but right now I can’t.
I need to remember that, just like with dealing with my alcoholism, dealing with overeating is the same: one day at a time. And if I can’t do one day at a time, do it one hour at a time it I have to.
I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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