The other day I got home from work with no motivation to do anything. I put my purse down and stared at the medical bills I needed to pay, past the kitchen where dishes sat in the sink waiting to be washed. I walked past my bathroom that probably could use a good scrub, into my bedroom where clothes were strewn around, notebooks on the floor, the bed unmade, and basically a giant pile of mess.
I knew I had to do some chores. The garbage can under my sink is starting to stink up the tiny kitchen I have. The dishes had been sitting for a few days so they started to join in as well. I have receipts and those medication information packets that are stapled to your pharmacy pick ups seemingly everywhere (I have a few medical issues).
I felt sluggish, tired, and bloated. I should have known eating leftover pizza for breakfast the day before wasn’t going to go well with my terrible digestive system. But at some point I stopped caring about all of that.
I changed into my PJs and climbed into my bed. Now that I have a queen even the bed collects crap! I have things I usually need during the night, vaseline for dry lips, lotion for my dry hands, my night guard, a few hair ties, a brush, and a few other odds and ends.
Covering my head with a blanket, I had no desire to clean up, nor did I care about it. Instead I opened YouTube and caught up on my daily Let’s Plays.
I felt like shit and probably looked the part as well. A knee issue stopped me from going back to the gym (like seriously, I went twice then I started having knee issues), and I was eating absolute junk so clearly packing on the few pounds I spent months trying to lose. The knee pain made it hard to do anything since going up and down stairs was extremely painful and I live on the second floor.
My life was screaming at me to get it together, to change my habits, to stop going straight to bed after work. But I wasn’t listening.
Today I woke up before my alarm, washed my dishes, got all the bills sorted out, checked my bank accounts, cleaned up some of the clothes all around my room, and made my bed before taking a shower and getting ready for work.
It wasn’t much. I still have garbage stinking up my apartment, some recycling that needs to go out, a bathroom I should really clean, and an entire apartment that needs vacuuming. But it was the first step I needed.
I’ve eaten all of the snack products in my apartment besides the few jars of peaches, and the fruit/veg popsicles I have in my freezer. I’m refusing to by myself more junk and to stop eating when I’m bored. Bored eating is a huge problem for me and tends to lead to binges I really don’t need.
I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for most of my life, so days like that aren’t uncommon. I’m still learning to work around them, but each time I figure something out, my mental issues move the goal posts.