I’ve heard this in various different ways, but the main point to take away is “you need to have a good relationship with yourself before you have a relationship with anyone else”. And that is very good advice.
If you have a bad relationship with yourself you’re more prone to jealousy, insecurity, and causing rifts with your partner. These things can seriously harm a relationship to the point of breaking up.
These things come out the most when you love someone and you don’t want to let them go.
When you don’t have a good relationship with yourself, you’re not mentally ready to have someone else come into that space with you. It’s hard to admit at times, but I find that when I have problems regarding relationships it’s because I’ve been neglecting the relationship I have with myself.
Why You Should Love Yourself Before Loving Someone Else
When you get yourself into a relationship you have to love another person. I mean, that’s part of being in a relationship, right? I know there are a lot of you out there, including myself, who find it easier to love others than yourself. But you really should love yourself before you love someone else.
You Won’t Rely On Them
When you love yourself before you love someone else means you’ll be relying on someone else for your love. You won’t have to rely on your partner for love. While having a loving partner is a great feeling in the world, if you don’t have any love for yourself you kind of have a bit of a hole where that love should be. Having that hole can really put a damper on your life in times of trouble.
And when you have to depend on someone else to fill that hole, it can become a problem.
One of the biggest issues I see with not loving yourself first is that it usually causes jealousy problems within a relationship. You don’t feel confident enough in yourself and rely on your partner for that love. But what happens if they get a promotion and can’t dedicate as much time to you as they did before? What if they’re going through a rough time and can’t be that love for you?
It’s kind of like happiness. If you rely on someone else for your happiness, if they leave or can’t give you the happiness to your liking, then you’re out of luck.
You’ll Be More Confident
When you love yourself before you love someone else it means you’ll be more confident in yourself. You’ll want to do more things, explore more options, and be more daring overall.
As someone who is still on their self love journey, I feel this 100%. I’m not quite there yet, but as time has gone on I’ve become more confident in myself and what I do.
I’m actually terrified of letting people read my writing, but having a blog is getting myself acquainted with the idea of people not only reading my writing but enjoying it!
The more confident you are in yourself, the less shit you’ll take from both yourself and other people. A lot of the times we put up with things because we love people, but having confidence in yourself means you’ll be able to make that jump to understanding that what someone else is doing (or even what you’re doing to yourself) to you is wrong.
If I didn’t love myself enough I would have let a family member walk all over me still. I’ve written a lot about it in my boundary posts but I was letting someone insult me, belittle me, and do what they wanted all in the name of family. Getting myself some more self love has made it so I was able to create those boundaries.
It’s Kind of Toxic
When you don’t love yourself before you love someone else, you usually rely on that other person for love. Relying on someone else for love is kind of toxic. You can very easily suffocate the other person with your worries and potential self hate if you rely on them for the love you’re supposed to have for yourself.
When you rely on someone else for your own love, you’ve essentially bound them to yourself for the foreseeable future. You may not like the thought of that, but if you don’t have the love for yourself then you’re relying on someone else for it. And if you want that love all the time, they’re essentially stuck to you.
Having love for yourself is easier to maintain because it’s all internal. You don’t have to worry about someone else being the source of your love, happiness, and contentment.
I know it can be hard for some of us because we find it easier to love other people than we do ourselves, but we have to try to move past that.
Jealousy and Insecurity
Jealousy and insecurity like to rear their ugly heads when we don’t have the self love and self esteem to feel confident enough in ourselves and our relationships. It’s a common problem a lot of people have, especially when peoples’ pasts give them reason to be jealous or insecure, but we need to move past that to have healthy, functioning relationships.
I have my own reasons for jealousy and insecurities. I’ve had exes cheat on me, and outright proclaim their love for someone else right before we started dating. It’s been rough to get through, but I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move past the jealousy and insecurity.
Jealousy and insecurity in themselves can cause toxic behaviors. I know one of my toxic behaviors is constantly wanting communication. If I’m with someone, I want to talk to them all the time. And when we’re not talking, sometimes my mind can drift into “who else are they talking to…?'” at the time. But I know it’s my own anxieties presenting themselves in ways to make my life more complicated. If I trust the person I’m with, there shouldn’t be any issues.
Having low self esteem leads to insecurities, which leads to feelings of not being good enough and that your partner can find someone else whenever they wanted. It can be hard to get past these thoughts and feelings, but you have to learn to love yourself and your partner enough to understand that if they’re with you, they want to be. Otherwise they wouldn’t be.
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