What did I learn from love?
Well, love is a fickle thing.
I’m a hopeless romantic and falling in love is part of my life goals to live a happy and fulfilled life. Love can be some of the greatest experiences in your life, but it can also cause the most hurt, as well.
I’ve learned a lot from being in actual love, thinking I was in love, being infatuated, and just wanting to be loved in the first place.
These are the top 4 things I learned from love.
You Can Fall in Love With the Wrong Person
We can’t help who we fall in love with, and it’s more than likely you’re going to fall in love with the wrong person at least once in your life. What I’ve learned from love is you can definitely fall in love with the wrong person.
I’ve fallen in love with people who are wrong for me before and it’s nothing less than a wild ride. The people I’ve fallen for were wrong for me in various ways, whether that be personality clashes, the relationship being toxic, timing, a combo of all of those, or something in between.
The last person I really fell in love with was not only a timing issue, which I’ve written about in my short story you can read here. They weren’t ready for a relationship but I was and that’s never a good combo.
But, it was also an issue of respect. They didn’t respect me enough to treat me well. But I was so in love that I didn’t care at the time. They were giving me some attention, but not their full attention. I was so desperate for that attention that I was happy with being treated badly because of the love I had for them.
I fell in love, but they clearly weren’t the right person for me. Or, at the very least, they were the right person at the wrong time for me.
When you fall in love with the wrong person it’s going to be a wild ride. If you’re me, you want to fix things and try to make them work, probably for long after they’ve crashed and burned. I spent about 5 years dealing with this person to try and receive the kind of love I was giving.
If They Wanted to Be With You, They Would
I heard this a lot when I was in love with my last guy, and I kept ignoring it. People kept telling me this in a way to try to get me to open my eyes to what was going on with my relationship.
But it really is true. If someone really wanted to be with you, they would be giving their all to try and make it work. If they’re not, then it’s not meant to be.
While that might seem a bit harsh, I’ve found it’s the truth.
I was told they wanted to be with me, that they wanted me in their life, but they put in no visible effort to make that happen. They took days to reply to texts claiming they were too tired after work to talk to me, but had enough time to play video games with friends. We were long distance so we couldn’t see each other and had to resort to sending each other things in the mail. It took him about a year to send over a Christmas present because he couldn’t find the time to send it.
There were a lot of signs that I should have realized were red flags at the time. But I was so in love I wanted to truly believe they were too tired or too busy, or too whatever.
What I learned from love is his words may have been that he wanted me in his life, but his actions said another thing. And as well all know, actions speak louder than words.
You Can Be Speaking Different (Love) Languages
One of the biggest problems relationships and love tend to have is that we all have our own love languages that we speak as well as how we communicate with others.
I need quality time and words of affirmation to feel loved, but I’m prompted to give gifts and do acts of charity for how I speak.
As you can see, there’s a bit of a disconnect with that and it can definitely cause a miscommunication.
Everyone has their own love language and if you’re speaking two different kinds of love languages to each other, you’re not going to be communicating affectively.
If your love language is words of affirmation, but your partner speaks in doing things like chores around the house, you’re not going to feel loved. You may even think things like chores (acts of charity/kindness) are part of living in a house and aren’t something special. But your partner feels like they’re giving you all the love in the world when they help you with your half of the chores. So it’s literally like you’re speaking to each other in different languages.
Picture it as if you were speaking Spanish and they’re speaking French. Neither of you understand the other language so their word are useless. No one understands.
You need to communicate how you like to feel loved to your partner and have them communicate with you. Once you have that understanding it will be a lot easier to feel the love flow.
I had an ex who constantly bought me gifts and cooked me food. What I learned from love is that while they were nice, they weren’t how I communicate or feel love. I felt overwhelmed by the gifts and didn’t feel much from the food in the first place.
Our communication was off and the relationship only lasted 6 months.
It’s Insanely Hard to Let Go
When you love someone but you know they’re wrong for you or the relationship has just died out, it’s still really hard to let go. I mean, really hard.
I spent months trying to get myself to let go of my last love and I’m still holding onto a few tiny threads, in hopes that things might just magically work out.
It’s going to take a lot of work, time, and self love to get yourself over someone you love.
You’re going to go through the stages of grief because you’re trying to let go of someone who you may have thought you’d spend the rest of your life with. It’s going to be painful, believe me.
Loving someone means you’re letting yourself be incredibly vulnerable to someone else. When you let yourself be as open as you are like that, it’s going to hurt no matter what you do. Even if you split amicably you’re still going to run into that pain that comes when you lose someone you cared so much about.
It’s especially hurtful when you don’t get closure. I didn’t. They just stopped talking to me. I tried my hardest but I couldn’t keep trying anymore. I was trying to make them happy and keep them from leaving by giving them my support. But I wasn’t getting anything in return. I was barely getting messages of thanks at all in the first place.
So, I had to let go.
It’s been months and I’m still going through the letting go process. I’m mostly there, but he feels like the “one that got away” and I don’t like that. He had checked every box I ever wanted so I became so in love with him.
Related: How to Know When to “Let Go”
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